Love and respect...

As I am working with more and more families, I am saddened to see something happen more and more often. We live in a society that sees teens swapping partners and having no reverence for their body as a temple as parents we are often scratching our heads at the choices these teens make. There is no judgement from me, because some teens just make poor choices, no matter how good their parenting is, but then there are those who are coming from homes spinning out of control and we have to ask ourselves... where does it end? When will our young men and young women realize that they are sacred beings? They will understand it when we not only teach them, but show them too. They can't see it if we are modeling for them bad habits. 

Stand back. How are you speaking? How are you allowing yourself to be spoken to? What words are coming from the mouths of your teens... your partner? Are they words of love and respect? Or are they filled with bile and hatred? This topic is near to my heart.  

My life is beautiful and wonderful now, but it hasn't always been. I spent many years in a situation that wasn't healthy for me or my children.  I take responsibility for my part in it. I didn't always respond the best way and I often took part in the bad language. Until one day. One day that I will never forget. It was the day that I decided I was done. Not just for my sake or for my ex's sake... but for the sake of the children. Our situation was not reconcilable. Yours may be. The day that sticks out in my mind wasn't a day where my children were using the bad language we were spewing, it was a day when I realized  they were seeking comfort in each other because of our bad behavior. It was nearly ten years ago, but I still remember the stricken looks on my oldest son's face. He was 6. He'll be 15 in a few weeks and while the wounds have healed, the scars will always be there. 

Lessons I have learned...
*Bad language in children comes from their environment.

*Disrespect in children comes from their environment.

*Children need to see healthy love in order to know how it works.

*Children are afraid when we swear, yell or let someone speak to us this way.

*Fixing a marriage takes a great eal of humility, prayer and WILLINGNESS on both parties.

*Sometimes divorce or separation is the best option. Even when the children are super attached.

*If your partner won't get healthy for you, don't expect him/her to get healthy for the children. They have to have the WILL to do it for themselves, which means they have to be humble enough to know they are doing something that isn't healthy. 

NOW... That doesn't mean a healthy home doesn't have times of messing up.  But it does mean that you and your partner are not fighting in front of your children.  It means that there isn't mean swearing going on.  It means that teens have their tongues curled and watch their language. It means that the media and other things going on in our lives honor the sacred nature of childhood. It means we are actively striving. It means that we show love to our partner in front of our children.

Many of us came from unstable homes. We grew up and sought stability in our own homes but many of us don't know how to create that. This is where you work on being present, holding the space, sending out love and understanding the root of your own anger. Ask for help. 

I will be honest. I have times when I yell more than I would like. It is sometimes a battle in my very choleric self. I have to actively control my will and work to have the other parts of my temperament come to play. I have to be present with my children.  I have to want peace more than I want five more minutes to finish one last blog post or email. I have to be what I want my children to see. I have to put thought to all of my relationships. I can have angry fits about those who irritate me or I can be calm. It is a choice. I can let people talk nasty to me or I can remove myself from the situation.

I don't often write posts like these... ones that make us stand back and find a mirror, but something happened last night. I had a bad dream. I dreamt I was back in that body of Melisa from ten years ago. All the nasty things that mamas tell me happen in their homes were happening to me again. I woke up shaken. I prayed. I put together this blog post in my head.  It was easier to think about writing than it has been to actually write! These conversations are HARD.  When I think back about what finally changed my situation, it wasn't him. He didn't change.  Of course he had the opportunity to. We all have free agency. What changed was ME. I knew I needed LOVE.  I know I had to LOVE me so I could show it to my children. I knew that I lacked inner work.  I knew that if I didn't do it then it couldn't get better.  

Where do you start? Start today. Ask yourself the hard questions. Decide that enough is enough. Take responsibility for your part. Decide that you will not let anyone disrespect you. You are a child of your Divine Creator... so is your child. Do something. Be done with the anger. Work on YOU so you can either get yourself out of your situation or fix it with your partner. Love yourself enough. Love your partner enough. Love your children enough. 

Ok... now go do something happy. St. Nick comes tonight... make some magic today! I hear he loves cookies. 

Love and blessings.

Comments

[Meagan]

This is full of great advice and reminders. I want to print out your bullet points and paste them to my wall. I also need to remind myself all the time that the way my little ones act is often a reflection of my tone, my grouchy facial expressions and my handling on the day. Thank you for this gentle reminder. xo m.

[Diana]

Thank you for your words!!!

[Penny]

wow. really. wow.

[Joy Romauldez-Kawpeng]

thank you for your honesty and words of wisdom!